To me, this was "the source music for that horrible Vanilla Ice song bass line."
To him, it was obviously more than that, an anthem. In addition to the pressures of everyday life that seemed so heavy for him, he put so much more pressure on himself. He had these expectations that I think he sometimes thought came from us, his family. We just wanted him to try hard, and had no doubt that success would come in some form or another. Depression added so much more to the pressure, too.
I finally had a dream where I got to talk to Alan about what happened. I almost wish I hadn't. He was so happy in the other dreams I had had, but this time, he was lying there actively dying. I was talking to him as life was slipping away from him. I asked him what it was like [to be dying], and he told me only, "I'm so sorry." I said, "I know." He said, "You have no idea."
I wanted to tell him that we didn't blame him. I wanted to tell him that I just wanted him to be okay now, safe from the pressure that crushed him when he was alive. But I awoke before I had the chance.
What exactly did he mean by, "you have no idea"? That we had no idea the pain he was in, how much he blamed himself for what had happened? That despite moving on and being released from this life, that somehow he still knows the weight of what he did leaving us like this? I didn't get to ask him. As in real life, my time with him was cut short.
Maybe it was just a way of saying that nothing is all good or all bad, no release without a karmic payback, but also no sadness without some hope of making it better somehow.
I choose to believe that he is at peace, but he wanted to make sure we knew he cared about us still, wanted us to find our peace, too.
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